we have pet lesbian snakes
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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