He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize