remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
