I wish I could punch you in the face.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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