I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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