i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
