i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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