I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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