dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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