i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize