I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
