I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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