I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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