sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
