Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When are your genitals available?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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