My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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