put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
