I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
