Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize