I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize