Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
