I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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