where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
