You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
