I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
