My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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