I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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