I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
