I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
