My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
