remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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