Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
