How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
