I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
two words...techno handjob
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
