carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
