The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
