I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
