I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
