you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
