Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
