When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
