just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
