Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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