can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
