I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
