My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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