Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
