he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
