I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
