WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
