fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it because I queefed?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize