Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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