He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
