How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
