I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize