My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
