sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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