Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
